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My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 kids. In between work and busy schedules, we have sex maybe once a month. Basically, our sex life has taken a turn toward a dead end because it feels boring. In the early part of our relationship and before kids, we discussed role playing but were too embarrassed to go through with the idea. Just recently, we talked about it again but have no clue what it all entails. Do you have any ideas that are not so complicated for us beginners? Where do we start?
Remember how thrilling it was to play dress up as a kid? It was great because all it took was a little imagination and some ingenuity. You could be anyone and do anything.
As liberating as it was back then, it’s way more fun as an adult. Now you’re able to explore a darker, deeper side of yourself, as well as discover different parts of your lover. With the freedom of being an adult (like a money to buy sexy, shiny things and privacy to enjoy them), you can once again be whomever or whatever you desire.
For many couples, sex can become a must-do rather than a want-to. Or, at the very least, it becomes a boring and predictable act of duty—every Saturday night after SNL. But role-playing can spark creativity, pique waning interests and even give couples a secret language. “The nurse will be in to see you now,” will take on a whole new meaning.
Try taking small steps at first and building on your ideas from there.
The Plot Thickens
It may seem awkward at first, but getting started isn’t as complicated as one might think. You’ve already gone through the trickiest part—talking about it with your partner. Since you’re both open to the idea, the next step is to begin plot out a fantasy (or two). All you need is your imagination.
Maybe you always wanted to be that hooker with a heart of gold being rescued by a wealthy benefactor or a top-secret operative that’s on a mission to capture the most wanted man in the world. It doesn’t matter how ridiculous—no one else will know unless you tell them. Sharing fantasies and playing them out can be very revealing, but it also takes trust. Once you get more comfortable, playing adult dress-up can be pure mind-candy.
Set the Scene
Once you’ve both determined the characters, set the scenario. It can be as simple or as elaborate as you desire. For instance, you can surprise your partner in the bedroom wearing nothing other than his favorite trench coat. Using a hushed tone, tell him you’re being followed and he must rescue you. Or go elaborate and rent a high-class hotel room and have him walk in as you are in your french maid uniform. Just make certain to plan your playtime around uninterrupted time. (You’ll never forget that first unannounced visit from your parents).
Some people enjoy staying in character from opening line to the final scene. Others like to use the game just to get things rolling. The rest of us find pleasure somewhere in between. If things begin to feel forced and cheesy, all you have to do is speak up and try again when you feel comfortable.
Dress for Success
A really satisfying role-play session is all about getting into the headspace to actually BE a space pirate who is on the run from galactic monsters with dildos for hands… or whatever your particular fantasy is. That means dressing the part.
You don’t have to spend a ton of time or money developing the costume if you don’t want to. Sometimes a few key pieces of jewelry or special underwear can do the trick. For women, the right pair of shoes can go a long way. Makeup or masks are also a great way to slip into your character. It’s all about escapism and fun, so don’t be afraid to strap into something you otherwise would not have tried.
Sprinkle with Spice
When role-playing with your partner, you can do things that might otherwise intimidate you. Things that normally seem out-of-character can feel great when done in a safe and supportive environment.
For example, if you’re typically giving, why not become the receiver of pleasure—be the love goddess and demand some worship. Ask for a massage or to be bathed in a fragrant bath. I love the Kama Sutra Weekender Kit because it has this amazing smelling dusting powder, oils, and a tickley feather, perfect for being adored.
If you like to be the naughty student who is the hot teacher has to punish after school, spanking a perfect way to add some kink. Have him bend you over his knee and lift up your Catholic school girl skirt and give you a punishment you’ll remember. If you are new to it, leave the ruler out of it for now and try using your hands at first. It’s easier to gauge the pressure of the spank.
Remember, you might not hit gold the first time. Plan out of the scene beforehand and evaluate them afterward to make the most of the experience and ensure the next play session will be even sexier. Many times, the pre-scenario discussions are just as intimate, erotic and enhancing as the scenes themselves.
Through role play, you are building something together —trust, communication, and acceptance—so make it a fun journey. Plan and play nice, until it’s time to play naughty!