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Introducing Vanilla Partners to BDSM: A Guide for Spoiled Submissives

Woman with her hands cuffed behind her back holding a riding crop
Introducing Vanilla Partners to BDSM: A Guide for Spoiled Submissives

So you’ve found a new partner that you’re totally smitten with, but they don’t know the first thing about kink, let alone the difference between the various types of floggers out there. What’s a lovestruck sub to do? If you’re fortunate enough to find your vanilla lover has the motive, then you must provide the means.  

Whether you’re a service sub or a brat, there’s one thing all submissives have in common: we’re not used to taking charge, nor is that something that interests us. However, when it comes to introducing someone to the scene, taking charge is precisely what you need to do. 

Not sure where to start? Follow these tips to help your wannabe-Dom become the real deal. And, yes, that’s an order.

Share Your Knowledge

Concepts that are blasé to you may be entirely unheard of by your partner. If your new boo’s only exposure to BDSM has been from mainstream media like the “50 Shades” movies, their knowledge of different dynamics and more niche acts will be exponentially lesser than yours. Share what you know, or at least the basics of what pertains to your own kinks and sexual interests, starting at a very elementary level.  

Learning the ins and outs of BDSM can be overwhelming for newbies, so expect your S.O. to have questions; make sure to answer each Q to the best of your ability rather than sending them on a solo Google hunt. Not only can looking to search engines without guidance lead your lover to unqualified (and incorrect) intel, but it can also make them feel alone in their journey to Kinktopia. If you don’t know all the answers to their kinky questions, look it up together! Mutual learning will both further your own knowledge and act as a bonding experience. 

It should go without saying (but I’ll say it anyway) that consent should be a large part of the conversation. Teach your sweetheart about safewords and nonverbal safety communication for scenes in which speech isn’t possible or wherein “no” doesn’t really mean “no.”

Help Them Find Their Play Personality

Once your future Dom (fingers crossed) understands the scene, it’s time to help them explore what aspects they’re most interested in playing with and what their domination style is. Assuming your partner has no prior BDSM experience, there will be a lot to uncover in their preferences. 

Kinky quizzes are a fun and effortless way to determine what their sexual appetite is like and take the pressure off your partner from having to figure it out entirely on their own. The aptly named “BDSM Test” is a great place to start; it asks detailed questions, allows users to filter out certain questions based on aspects they already may know about themselves (i.e., sexual orientation and whether they have any “switch” in them), and provides percentages for category results to show exactly where someone falls on the kink spectrum.

Look to the Experts

Nobody knows everything there is to know about BDSM, no matter how long they’ve been a part of the scene. This notion can especially ring true for submissives regarding punishment and funishment techniques. After all, how can you fully comprehend the best (and safest!) way to utilize spanking implements if you’re always on the receiving end of the whip? 

Before engaging in S&M with your fav bondage novice, have them study up on technique and safety precautions for each individual act using educational materials from trusted voices in the BDSM community. Whether it be through how-to books, online tutorials, or a seasoned Dom from your local dungeon that’s generous enough to act as a mentor, the most important part in finding a teaching resource is to vet them for accuracy and authority—and that's where you come in.

You should play an active role in helping your kink newbie find reputable sources for furthering their kink knowledge. As someone with a BDSM background, you’ll be better at sussing out what advice is sound and who’s talking out of their ass.

Go Slow

Once you’ve found a reliable source that works for your Dom-in-training’s learning style, have them study an act extensively before trying it out together. You’ll also want to let them practice their new know-how outside of a scene to get the hang of it and work out any kinks (pun intended). And remember that patience is key! The world of kink is vast, so it’s unreasonable to expect your S.O. to master (pun intended, part 2) everything all at once. Tackle new concepts and play-acts singularly and wait for your partner to feel totally comfortable with one before moving on to the next. 

As a submissive—and a particularly selfish, bratty one, at that—I understand that teaching someone how to dominate you isn’t exactly a turn-on, especially since the “teacher” role is generally one taken on by the dominant. One way to help combat this psychological response is to mind-dom yourself: look at the learning process not as part of kink play but as part of your relationship. 

Another great solution? Be an adult and suck it up. Count yourself lucky that you’ve found love with someone who shows an interest in dominating you, even if they need education and training to get there. Cause in 6 months, when you’re handcuffed to the bed and they’re spitting in your mouth as penance for you mouthing off, you’re not gonna be thinking about how you’re the one who taught them that—you’ll just be glad it’s happening.

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