Monsters, conceptually speaking, aren’t meant to be sexy—they’re meant to be scary. Yet that doesn’t stop millions of people from jerking off to them on the daily. It may be strange to think about, but it’s true. If it weren’t, there wouldn’t be a marketplace for horror-adjacent pornos or strokers that resemble zombie pussies and vampire mouths (Google it, I dare you). So why do these fantasies and fuck products exist? Because monsters are hot. That’s right, I said it—monsters are hot, and you know it!
For those of you who have already accepted that truth, I have some good news: monsters are real. Not only are they real, but they’re also really horny—most monsters would much prefer to join you in bed than hide underneath it. But should you let them in your sheets? Well, that depends on the monster. If you’re considering doing the monster mash, you’ll first need to educate yourself on the naughty nature of each creature to make sure you’re really (hu)man enough to handle them.
Ghosts
The strong silent type, ghosts far prefer action to dirty talk. Voyeurs at heart, they get off on watching you writhe and hearing you moan but won’t offer much back when it comes to verbalizing their own enjoyment. Big on sensory play, a ghost will tease you with featherlight touches until you beg them for release, then happily oblige in overwhelming you with that D once you reach your breaking point.
While ghosts may do the most in the sack, they behave oppositely outside the bedroom. They’ll leave in the middle of the night and won’t call you the next day (or return your texts). Though their bedside manner is ghastly, a ghost’s sexual prowess will still leave you thinking of your one-time encounter for weeks after the fact… almost as if they’re haunting your sex dreams.
Zombies
Zombies are the fuckboys of the monster universe; they’ve only got one thing on their minds, and that’s you giving them brain. Honestly, that’s all I’ve got, and that’s all zombies deserve. Fuck zombies (but not literally cause they’re selfish in bed).
Mummies
There’s no way around it—mummies are strictly subs. But more specifically, they’re major Rope Bunnies with a fetish for sensory deprivation. If a mummy isn’t being bound and gagged, they’re simply uninterested. While it would be easy to dismiss mummies due to their pillow princess habits, there is a certain appeal to their highly submissive nature. Sure, a mummy may not ever get on top, but what they lack in active participation, they make up for in sexual willingness. Big ol’ sluts for anything taboo, a mummy will let you do whateeeeever you want to them when they bottom. Watersports? You got it. Fisting? No problem. If you’re looking to get weird, there’s no better sex partner than a mummy.
Vampires
Highly sexualized as is, there’s no way vampires aren’t absolutely wild in the sack. Vampires have a flair for the dramatic, so it should come as no surprise that roleplay is at the top of their kink list. Not just any ol’ roleplay will satiate a vampire, though—you’ll need themed slutty costumes and a fully realized plot if you want to get them off.
Vampires are more than just roleplay kinky, though; they’re highly experienced in BDSM and only engage in play responsibly. Vamps always respect safe words (“Say ‘garlic’ if it gets to be too much”) and ask for enthusiastic consent before they attempt penetration—and that goes for holes and homes alike. Though you may wind up bloody and bruised post-play, you’ll also receive the best aftercare in all the haunted land.
Witches
Witches. Know. How. To. Fuck. They work magic with their mouths, will ride you like a broomstick for hours on end, and will even tag team you with a member of their coven if you ask nicely. While a witch may conjure up your strongest orgasm yet, they’re a nightmare to deal with afterward. Obsessive and clingy, you’ll quickly realize your mistake in getting involved with one once you’re no longer under their sex spell. A witch will blow up your phone all day long and text you “?” if you don’t respond quickly enough. And if you don’t return their affections, get ready to deal with the wrath of their coven. Still, their supernatural sex powers almost make it worth the trouble.
So, who are you inviting to your graveyard smash? Good Ol’ Nosferatu? Dusty King Tut? Casper the Horny Ghost? Whoever it is, just make sure you’re prepared for the freaky fallout before getting your otherworldly freak on.
