Welcome, ladies, gents, and the gender-nonconforming! It’s time to play another round of “So You Think You’re Ready to Have a Threesome!”
The threesome is a tricky beast, and that beast gets even trickier when 2/3rds of its members are in a committed, monogamous relationship. Threesomes can be a lot of fun (not for this tired bisexual, but hey, do your thing), but they can also be a lot of trouble. Your best bet for having yours land on the “fun” side is by doing plenty of prep and using lots of communication.
Not sure where to start? No worries; as a former participant in two whole threesomes, I’m totally qualified to give you some advice.
Make Sure You Both Really Want It
Do you think caving in and finally giving your partner the threesome they’ve been begging for is the perfect birthday gift? Think again! If your gift is gonna come with a side of resentment, pick a different present.
The key to a satisfying sexual encounter—threesome or not—lies within shared enthusiasm. If one party isn’t eager to try out a threesome, the whole crew is gonna have a bad time. Not once has coercion led to good sex, so don’t make an exception just because you think a three-way is something special.
That’s not to say you can’t discuss the idea with a hesitant partner and explain why you find threesomes so hot; they may just change their mind! But by the end of the discussion, they should be just as excited about the prospect of throuple antics as you are. If that’s not the case, a threesome is not right for your relationship.
Set Some Ground Rules
Julia Roberts had the right idea in “Pretty Woman” when she told Richard Gere that kissing was off-limits. Not necessarily in that you shouldn’t kiss during sex (especially when a young Richard Gere is involved) but that she knew her boundaries and expressed them clearly.
It’s important to discuss what you and your partner are comfortable with when it comes to tackling the threesome prior to the act so you’re both on the same page. For some, oral sex is more intimate than penetration, while others have no qualms about mouth-fucking, for instance. If the former describes you or your partner, maybe oral should be a no-go when you have your three-way fun. While that’s just one example, the concept applies well to all erotic (and romantic) actions.
Some starting points for setting ground rules:
- Clarify who is allowed to touch who (and where)
- Determine which sexual acts (if any) are off the table
- Decide how you’ll communicate sudden discomfort if it comes up in the moment
You don’t need to sign a Christian Grey-style contract before fucking a third, but going in with a game plan will help things run smoother and lessen the chances of something going awry.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Be sure to relay these ground rules to your threesome guest star before setting an official three-way date.
Choose Your Third Wisely
Your threesome guest star can make or break your whole experience. Just like any time you bring someone into bed, your choice of partner can affect your health, sexual satisfaction, and even your social life. When adding a player to your bedroom antics, there are two ways to go, both of which have their pros and cons: fuck a friend (or friendly acquaintance) or sleep with a stranger.
Picking Someone You Know
Having a prior relationship with your threesome guest star brings a certain level of comfort as you already have an idea of their trustworthiness, and there’s more on the line for them if they betray that trust for the sake of throuple fun. However, fucking a friend can provoke more jealousy in you or your partner than screwing a stranger would. There’s also the potential for things to get weird after the fact since you’ll likely see them again.
Here are a couple of guidelines if you choose to go the friend route:
- Don’t pick a crush (or someone crushing on you).
If there’s even an ounce of romantic longing on anyone’s end, nix this person from your threesome list, or you’re asking for trouble.
- Consider their gossip level.
How much does discretion matter to you? Whether your threesome partner is tight-lipped or a blabbermouth can have an impact on your social life post-fuck.
Picking a Stranger
The biggest appeal of choosing a stranger as your threesome guest star is that you never have to see them again unless you want to (barring fate doesn’t rear its ugly head). Their innate newness can also be erotic in and of itself, providing the same type of thrill as a one-night stand. The downside? You have no reason to trust that they’re true to their word and no way of knowing for sure whether you just invited a psycho into your bed.
Guidelines for bringing a stranger into the mix:
- Do a public meet and greet.
If you found your stranger online, you should check out their vibe in person before letting them in your home.
- Don’t use traditional dating apps.
Please don’t be that annoying straight couple with a joint profile infiltrating online spaces meant for the LGBTQ community. You also don’t want to be that queer couple pestering poor singles who are just looking for love. Both are embarrassing, really.
Asking the Important Questions
Regardless of how well you know your desired third (or if you know them at all), there are a few Qs you’ll need the answers to before you get down and dirty (besides, y’know, “do you wanna do it with me and my boo”?)
On Health:
Do they know their status? When was their last STI test, have they been with anyone since then, and if so, what protective measures did they use? Are they willing to get tested again and show you their results? If they’re positive, what measures do they take to prevent the spread? What method of birth control, if any, are they using?
I don’t mean to go all Coach Carr on you, but the consequences of sex can be life-altering. Though this should be a given, long-time monogamous couples who are already in a sexual groove may not consider that they need to go back to square one with their threesome quest. The pregnancy and/or STI prevention methods you use as a couple might need some tweaking now that you’re bringing in another body.
Be frank with your third in both asking and answering questions about sexual health. Come up with a game plan for keeping all parties safe so the three of you can boogie without worry.
On Compatibility:
Do your ground rules work for them? What are they into sexually? Are there any sex acts or scenarios that are off the table for them?
Just because someone is down for a threesome, that doesn’t necessarily make them a good match for you and your partner. Maybe the ground rules you’ve set up for the sake of your relationship ruin the fun of the threesome for them. Perhaps they have a non-negotiable kink that crosses your boundaries (or vice versa). Your threesome partner’s sex style should jive with that of yours and your S.O.’s to ensure everybody has a good time.
Divide Your Attention Evenly
Bringing someone new into the mix is exciting, making it easy to accidentally place more focus on your guest star than your partner. If you fall victim to this frequent threesome snafu, you’ll likely spend the rest of the evening (or even week) arguing about it. While you could avoid hurting your partner’s feelings by favoring them during the threesome, it’s super fucking rude to your third; they’re a person, not a sex toy.
Always be hyper-aware of how much of your lovin’ each party has received so you can spread the joy evenly. Don’t allow arousal to cloud your judgment and decide to wing it mid-tryst; the high of being uninhibited is NOT worth the fall-out. A simple way to make sure nobody’s left out is to alternate between partners after each sex act.
Check In Afterwards
Whether you wanna do it again or just scratch it off your bucket list and move on, you should process things post-play with your partner. Watching your significant other be intimate with someone else can bring up unexpected feelings, which is especially true for first-timers. It’s natural to get jealous, even if you had a bangin’ time banging someone else with your boo. Discussing these emotions and putting them out in the open will keep you from resenting your partner—and them from resenting you—so you can deal and move on.
Or maybe you guys had the time of your lives, and there are no hard feelings to speak of. (Congrats, btw—hope I helped!) You’ll still benefit from running through the events afterward and making a note of what went well and what could have gone better to make your next three-way even more wow-worthy. Sex only gets better with communication, folks!
Which leads me to my closing point: when briefly straying from monogamy in your relationship, communication is not only good but essential. The more you discuss, plan, and communicate with everyone involved, the less likely your threesome is to destroy your relationship (or health or sanity). Check in with your partner early, check in with your partner often, and don’t minimize the impact your chosen third will make on the experience (so check in with them, too!).
And there you have it: five not-so-simple steps to a happy, healthy threesome. I wish you good luck and a good fuck!
