As the saying goes, rules are meant to be broken, especially when it comes to bizarre sex laws. But if you’re having sex with an unmarried person in Georgia, or doing it doggy style in Virginia, you could find yourself involved in some legal hot water. The United States is full of unusual and out-of-date laws, but it’s the one’s that relate to unlawful sex practices that are really strange. The specific nature of these bizarre sex laws has us wondering just how often they are actually being enforced. And if there are any Wyoming residents planning on having standing sex in a walk-in meat freezer tonight, it’s best to make other plans.
Here’s a list of bizarre sex laws from nearly every state in the nation.
Moose are not allowed to have carnal knowledge on city streets. So just to be clear—moose can’t, but a human couple can enjoy horizontal refreshments on Main Street? And whose job is it to break up the moose going at it? They need a raise!
One city in this state banned people from making a magical sandwich in a vehicle with “flat tires.” If the vehicle is parked, and you’re caught laying pipe in the front seat, it’s a $25 fine. But if you’re caught churning butter in the back seat, the fine is doubled.
Condoms can be sold only by physicians and other medical practitioners. Hmm…we’ve been to a couple of gas stations in this state and they have condom dispensers in the bathroom. Perhaps the prescribing physician was on a smoke break.
Anyone having a pants-off dance-off with Satan must use a condom. When it comes to this law, the devil’s in the details. But hey, it’s better to be safe than to have that whole Rosemary’s Baby thing happen.
An old law, but yet one of the most bizarre sex laws in this state bans a couple from releasing the Kraken while bathing in any lake, river or stream. Well, there goes our summer vacation plans.
There are those who truly thrive on adventurous sex. But if you’re caught getting your bone honed—or bean waxed, as the case may be—with a porcupine, you could serve up to five years in the state pen. This one might be for your own good.
Oral sex between consenting adults is as old as the hills. In Georgia, though, if you’re caught whistling in the weeds, even with your consenting spouse or in the privacy of your own home, it could cost you five long years in prison.
Don’t think that swallowing the sword or playing in the sandbox is the only thing you can get in trouble. Apparently, it’s even against the law to own and operate sex toys such as vibrators, dildos, masturbation sleeves and so-on. Since Liberator is based in Atlanta, we just want to tell the local PD we have no clue who owns those sex toys. Or who wrote an entire blog about how awesome they are.
Evidently, this state will pause for a moment before coitus interuptus just so that you can enjoy the grand finale. Any suspicious officer who thinks sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. Very considerate!
With the right gear and some camouflage, you just may get away breaking with one of this state’s bizarre sex laws. Spearing the bearded clam while hunting or fishing on your wedding day is illegal in Illinois.
According to this law, skating rinks are a potential den of debauchery. That’s why male skating instructors are prohibited from parting the pink sea with their female students. This statute applies only to male teachers. So, female skating instructors from Indiana, feel free to get your biscuits buttered with whomever you want.
Husbands aren’t allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with their wives or while holding them in his arms. There’s a really interesting reason story behind this state’s bizarre sex laws and we’re dying to know!
Anyone caught engaging in anal sex draws a maximum sentence of six months in jail. Who thinks this stuff up? Imagine being prosecuted for such a pleasurable crime. Just be careful, Kansans, when riding the Hershey highway.
The Louisiana House of Representatives hurriedly approved a unique anti-streaking law. Under it, streakers can be sentenced to five years in the state penitentiary and given a $2,000 fine for streaking. This state’s bizarre sex laws are designed for preventing “the arousal of the desires of minors.” Streaking with only the “intent of arousing sexual desire” brings a violator a $100 fine and one year in prison.
As far as bizarre sex laws go, this one takes the cake. Massachusetts, known for being the cornerstone of our constitutional history also includes wild nights at the rodeo. It is illegal for anyone to ride the boney express with a rodeo clown in the presence of horses. It’s about time someone thought of about the horse’s welfare!
We can’t make this stuff up. In Michigan, couples are not allowed to batter dip the corn dog in an automobile. This is unless the act is taking place while a parked on the couple’s own property—preferably on cinder blocks.
No man is allowed to put ranch dressing in his wife’s Hidden Valley while reeking of garlic, onions, and/or sardines. If his wife so requests, the law mandates he must brush his teeth and gargle with mouthwash. Like we always say: no brush, no bush.
Mississippi is chocked full of bizarre sex laws, especially when it comes to kink. BDSM is against the law, period! You can be charged for any depiction or description of flagellation. You will be disciplined for playfully torturing anyone who is either nude or being displaying a “bizarre or revealing costume” for the purpose of sexual gratification. This makes driving through the state with bondage gear in the trunk even more exciting.
Women in Missouri are prohibited from wearing corsets. Free the corset we say! And then free your boobs. There is nothing better than a corset-gasm after you take one off.
The proprietor of every hotel is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. Couples, even if they are married, may not sleep together in the nude. Nor may they entangle the lower beards. This is unless they are wearing one of the crisp, clean, white cotton nightshirts.
It is illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while in session. The reason for this law is most politicians are already pricks and really don’t need to dress up as one.
The State of New Jersey really does not like masturbators of the mutual kind. Evidently, their bizarre sex laws make mutual self-pleasure a punishable crime. If caught, you and your partner could enjoy a three-year sentence in prison for lewd and indecent conduct. It’s so unfortunate the double dutch rudder can make you an outlaw.
The state, known for numerous strip clubs, will not allow any woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man’s picture. Hum, guess a real live man doesn’t count?
In this state, there is absolutely positively no masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car. Give them some privacy, duh. It’s not like they doing it in Arizona.
For all those truck lovers in the Keystone state, take heed of this bizarre sex law. You’re not permitted to opening the gates of Mordor of a truck driver while inside a toll booth.
Oral sex in Rhode Island is an “abominable, detestable crime against nature!” Playing the bone-a-phone or licking the Lilly can get you a 7-to-10-year stretch in the penitentiary. Sounds like somebody needs to have his knob slobbed!
The award of bizarre sex laws goes to this state.
Twin beds are required in every household bedroom. The beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart, even is a couple rents a room for a night. To add insult to injury. It’s illegal to launch the meat missile while on the floor between the beds! There is one loophole, though. The law doesn’t say nothing when it comes to doing it on any Liberator Shapes.
Texas is also known for its set of bizarre sex laws. But this one makes us question someone’s sanity. Two pigs may not pork on airport property. Okay, that euphemism was too easy. OH! How about this one: makin’ bacon. Yeah, that one works.
Couples are not allowed jerk it when she twerks it while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman will be slut-shamed with her name published in the local newspaper. The irony of this bizarre sex law. No punishment for the man rocking out with his cock out. This coming from a state that has bizarre sex laws allowing sex with animals—unless performed for profit.
Come to Virginia, they said. It’s for lovers! You may want to reconsider traveling through this state. It is illegal to sour the kraut in any position except missionary. The fact you’re only allowed one sexual position is a crime in itself.
In this state, it is against the law to oscillate the unmentionables with a virgin under any circumstances—including your wedding night. Makes you wonder how any Washingtonians exist at all.
No man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having an orgasm. It’s just politeness to wait until after the big bang.
Second Place of bizarre sex laws goes to this state.
Here we go again with bizarre sex laws on masturbation. It is against the law to entice, allure, instigate, or help any person under 21 masturbate. This activity, known in legal circles, is an act of self-pollution. If our calculations are correct, the teenage boys in Wyoming doing the 5-knuckle shuffle are an environmental disaster.