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Beyond the Drawer: If Your Sex Toys Could Talk

Featuring: We-Vibe Touch

I was happily rumbling at my eighth and favorite speed. My fourth may be my most powerful speed but the eighth is sexy and chaotic. The eighth speed allows me to show off, to tease.

I knew the woman under me was close to climaxing when her previously short breaths became deep and long. She was focused. She was ready. I was impressed at how she was equal parts out of control and in control of her body. A true professional. I was enjoying myself as much as she was and at that moment I wished I had a ninth speed to surprise her with. A hidden track for the true fans.

She was beginning to come. Hard. The hand from the other body controlling me sharply switched me to my first and calmest speed. This seemed to extend the woman’s already intense orgasm. The man was also a professional of this woman’s body. His hand held me the way I imagined one would hold a stick shift. He was shifting to the beat of her body, the waves of her orgasm determining his next move. He knew he was good too and smiled a smirk of satisfaction. As the intensity and heat of her orgasm slowed, he held my button down turning me off.

“Happy anniversary, you beautiful woman.” he said.

“What was that?” she managed to ask.

He put me in her warm hands. I could finally see the face of the woman I pleasured. She was older than I expected but indeed beautiful. She rubbed her thumb from my top to the bottom. I could tell her senses were on high alert. She kept rubbing her thumb over the silk of my contour, entranced.  

“I can’t believe how small this is. I mean, I was truly somewhere else…”

“Well, don’t forget we are somewhere else.” he plucked me from her hand and placed me on the table next to the top of the bed. She got on top of him.

As their play grew into something more, I wanted to be excited for them but suddenly I did not feel hot. I felt a gentle rumble inside me. Was I still on? I concentrated. No, I was definitely off. It seemed the entire room was rumbling. Not only that, I was now chilly. I knew my battery was probably due for a charge but there was no explanation to the queasiness I was feeling. I had only been unboxed hours earlier. Crap, was I defective?

I remembered his words ‘we are somewhere else’. Wherever we were was not agreeing with me. I caught sight of a small window. It was nighttime but there was a bright shine coming through. The moon was reflecting off of something very shiny, very white. I looked harder and realized the shine was moving. No wait, we were moving. But how?

And then suddenly I was falling. Their lovemaking knocked me over into an open suitcase. Between the thick socks and thin underwear, a pamphlet sat. It was a schedule of sorts.





I was on a ship in Alaska. I wasn’t defective, I was seasick. I looked up and concentrated on the shine outside the window which I now knew to be the moon reflecting off of ice. Concentrating on that spot made me feel better so I continued.

The woman came again.

I concentrated harder.

The man came.

I didn’t feel sick anymore. Life was good.

if your sex toys could talk

Carolyn Busa is a comedian and writer based in Brooklyn, NY. She has opened for Demetri Martin, been featured on SheKnows and appeared on Good Day New York. Her comedy is a reflection of her newfound confidence in herself, her style, and most importantly, her sexuality. Carolyn blogs weekly for My Sex Project.