Every four years, an elite group of athletes meet to unify the world through a variety of sporting events. But the one act that we devote the greatest amount of time, imagination, and energy will never be included—nor even recognized as a sport. Between the moves, the moans, and the thrill of a climactic victory, the Olympics are, in fact, much like sex.
It’s obvious the time is ripe for some Sexlympics. What we propose is give sex equal status and organize events in a free and open competition. Hey, the first Olympics were practiced in the nude, so why not make so again? Imagine an arena filled with top-tier olympic hopefuls showing off their sexiest routines as judges scrutinize every move and deduct points for improper dismounts, awkward position changes, or lack of originality.
So just in case our daydream becomes reality, we have devised a plan that would allow any couple a place in the games. You can shoot for the gold, but really—the pleasure derived from sex alone is an award in itself. Here is our play-by-play position guide toward achieving the dream of being a world-class sex machine. What are you waiting for—it’s time to “stick it!”
The super-charged twist on the doggie! Place yourself on the mark—the Wedge/Ramp Combo —with a couple of Lifts—get ready, and go for it! You and your man can then shoot for those creative/difficulty points with shallow thrusts, and deep G-spot stimulation. Earn extra on your score and have him stroke your clitoris as he rotates his hips in small circles. Of course, this position is way more conducive to your award winning orgasm than the standard in-n-out. Now, you’re heading for the gold medal!
First: Take a flying leap. Second: Land on his member. Third: Win the heart and pleasure of your man! With the Wedge firmly positioned beneath his thighs, have him push up into you and grab around your hips. Lean back like you’re soaring off the Grand Gulch Basin, lock your legs around his waist, hold on to his legs for leverage, and get busy moving back and forth. As Newton’s law of motion states: what goes up, must come down, but the Wedge helps cushion the blow.
If those Sochi winter Olympic rumors are true, we’d like to imagine the hot athletes mastering this move during their f*ckfest at the Olympic village. Now you can go ahead and try. Lie on your back, and position your whole body on the sloping Flip Ramp. Then have him kneel (and thrust) between your legs. Since you’re face-to-face, with erogenous zones exposed—you’ll get to experience sensual touch and watch him gain momentum. With his vigorous thigh workout and your clitoral victory, you’ll both be the official champions of coitus.
Fox & Hound
We’ve got two simple words: Sex Luge! And both of you get to enjoy the ride! Have your man lie down on the Esse and mount him slowly from overhead. Once you settle into this saucy 69 position, let his hands roam over your hips and bum, as you wow him with your mad oral skills. Please take note, this routine is not a race, so vary your oral performance from fast and deep, to shallow and slow until the action ends in a simultaneous blaze of orgasmic glory.
The most death defying move in couples ice-dancing is when the manly skater guy lifts his partner and spins her into dizzying submission. Although this move does not require skates or hard ice, there is still a little danger. Lie on the bed facing up with your legs propped against his shoulder. Need some stability—try the Talea Spreader Bar. Then have him enter while he holds your legs firmly for a direct VIP pass to your G-spot. Dazzle the judges with a new skill and reach down and stroke your clitoris. All O, no concussion, as the crowd goes wild.
The Butterfly Catcher
Smooth and easy, mount your lover and rock the half-pipe. While he’s lying safely back on the Esse Chaise, hop on top and straddle him with your feet planted firmly on the ground. Then twist your torso and hips ever so slightly away from him and rub your clit against his thigh when he moves inside of you. The thrill of this slalom course means you’re clear from the imminent danger of careening off a snowy cliff. And that makes everybody a winner.