Before I regale you with my adventures in Handjob Land, I’m going to admit something a little embarrassing: I’m scared of handjobs. Simple in concept yet seemingly complex to master, I’ve avoided good ol’ handy j’s as much as possible throughout my tenure as a sexually active adult in fears that I could never live up to a partner’s solo session techniques and that any attempt would leave me the laughing stock of the town (and when I say town, I mostly just mean my own bedroom).
But the only way to get over your fears is to face them head (or hands) on, and so began my quest to become an HJ expert using the expertise of brave soldiers who have come (or made people come) before me.
A note on handjob trick ratings: I asked my test subject, Steve, to rate each trick on a 5-star scale. According to him, 0 equates to the stimulation of zero sexual activity, and 5 equates to the same level of stimulation as a blowjob (which I guess is the gold standard of sex acts, in his eyes).
Befriending the Frenulum
Just about every blog I read made a point of mentioning the frenulum (the small flap of skin on the underside of the penis at the intersection of the shaft and head) and that it’s not to be ignored. The first time I brought this tip to bed, the results were lackluster, to say the least. I tried stroking it up and down, I tried gently rubbing it from side to side, I tried it all, but my efforts seemed to fail. I’m not sure what I expected would happen when I paid the frenulum special attention—maybe fireworks or a marriage proposal. Instead, I got nothing. Zilch. Nada. Zero. Not even a moan! In fact, I was pretty sure Steve didn’t even notice it was happening. In that moment of awkward silence, I vowed to continue ignoring the frenulum, just as it had ignored me.
Turns out sex and handjob blogs aren’t that black and white, though. While riding in the car with Steve at a later date (in case it wasn’t clear to you that I didn’t perform my handjob study in a Honda Civic), I told him of my failed frenulum experiment and was met with immediate confusion. Not only was Steve unaware that I once played with his frenulum, but he didn’t even know about its existence. Bewildered by this new knowledge regarding his own genitals, Steve requested that I try again. And because I am both a stellar girlfriend and a stellar journalist, I obliged.
I was shocked by the outcome of my second foray into the frenzied world of the frenulum; Steve made noises I’d never heard before, by him or any other man, for that matter. Though he didn’t utter any words, at least not any that were intelligible, it was clear that Steve was in heaven. I learned an important life lesson that night: if at first you don’t succeed, try playing with the frenulum again.
So I did try again, for a third time, with drastically different results. During my final attempt, Steve said it felt too sensitive and that I shouldn’t focus solely on the frenulum. My advice to our readers? Proceed to frenulum play with caution; that little flap of nerves is one fickle beast.
Steve’s Rating: 2.7 out of 5 stars
Slide & Glide
I’d describe this technique as a slow traditional handjob with a cherry on top. You employ the standard up and down motion, but with one extra step between the up and down: gently swiping your thumb across the cockhead.
From a personal standpoint, I think this HJ tip stole the show. It was pretty easy to pull off, and the payout (Steve’s dick’s approval) was significant. Okay, so all he said at the time was, “that feels really good,” but he’s not a big talker in the bedroom, and I could tell he meant it, so I’m counting it as a win.
Steve’s Rating: 4.4 / 5 stars
A Dick Tip from the Dick Owner
High on the success of the Slide & Glide, I decided to try out a variation of the technique that was suggested for those who found the Slide & Glide too difficult to enact properly. Instead of gliding across Steve’s glans between strokes, I jerked him off with one hand while continuously caressing his head with the other.
Though the many jerkoff blogs I read suggested I focus on the cockhead, which this particular handjob tip certainly did, Steve’s body disagreed with this piece of sexpertise. Paying that much consistent attention to his dickhead made it too sensitive. He instructed me to instead “tease” the tip, make him want it, and wonder when the next touch was coming, equating dickhead sensitivity to that of the clit.
So it turns out the most valuable handjob trick is also the simplest: ask for and listen to feedback. Every body is different and reacts differently to specific stimulation, so there’s no real foolproof handjob plan that will make a man jizz himself instantly (much to my dismay).
Steve’s Rating: “Are you seriously asking me to give you a star rating based solely on you listening to my feedback?”
Double-Fisted Twist
Doing the Double-Fisted Twist is kinda like giving someone’s dick an Indian rug burn, which understandably made me nervous to try it. But I’m no coward, so try it I did. Either Steve is secretly into CBT (cock and ball torture, for my less perverted readers), or the Double-Fisted Twist doesn’t hurt at all (thanks, lube!) because my boo was absolutely floored by this technique. The sounds that came out of this man’s mouth as I performed the Double-Fisted Twist were like music to my incredibly slutty ears (yes, even my ears are slutty).
Steve’s Rating: 3.35 / 5 stars
The Running Faucet
Easy to employ yet impactful in delivering dick pleasure, I believe every handjob giver—whether they be a beginner, intermediate, or expert—should add The Running Faucet to their rub and tug arsenal. All you have to do is fist one hand from the top of your partner’s dick to the bottom, then immediately duplicate the action with your other hand as the first one reaches the penis’s base. Keep your pace quick and repeat these steps infinitely (or until you’ve milked an O out of someone), and there you have it: The Running Faucet, ladies and gents!
As I said, I enjoyed The Running Faucet because it took minimal effort on my part, and Steve enjoyed it because, uh, it felt good. Everyone’s a winner!
Steve’s Rating: 3.69 (heh)/ 5 stars
Entering the Ball Pit
A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: It is with my deepest regrets that I must inform you there’s no accompanying gif for this section. Dildo balls are simply too firm to portray ball play actions accurately. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Like many of my female cis-ters out there that regularly fuck dudes, I’ll admit that 85% of the time, I’ve essentially forgotten that testicles exist (and the 15% of the time that I do recall the existence of balls, it’s because my employer has specifically asked me to write about them). This is NOT okay! I, and society as a whole, need to do better. At least that’s the stance of most handjob blogs, which all directed me to stop ignoring the sac. And who am I to reject the wishes of the handjob gods? My next step was clear: say hello to my man’s little friends.
In all honesty, pulling off the ballsac-related motions felt awkward to me. I tried gently tugging it, but the hefty amount of lube present prevented me from getting a good enough grip to do so. My research suggested I give it the lightest of squeezes, but I have hella long fake nails and feared Steve might suffer a puncture wound. I wanted to fondle, but his horizontal position and my angle seemingly wouldn’t allow for good cuppage. The only tactic left was to caress, which seemed like an underwhelming act to be left with.
While I wasn’t a fan of employing ball play, Steve was very much a fan of receiving it, which he told me frankly. I surmised his enjoyment must have come mainly from the sac act since I wasn’t even doing anything crazy with my dick strokes—just your standard up and down as I self-consciously coddled his balls. I suppose sometimes less really is more. At the end of the day, though, my fragile ego and I were just relieved to learn that my ballsac game isn’t trash.
Steve’s Rating: 2.9 / 5 stars
Before I began my quest, I set a hard and fast rule for myself: this encounter would be a handjob and a handjob ONLY! No letting my boyfriend talk me into giving him head and no transitioning into sex—my goal was to jerk Steve off to completion, no matter how long it took. Though my self-given task was rooted in the desire to further my boyfriend’s pleasure and increase my confidence in the bedroom, it was also about investigative journalism (as all sex acts should be).
But alas, it’s true what they say about best-laid plans. When Steve reached over to provide some skillful handiwork of his own, I couldn’t deny him. Our hands were on and in each other, and before I knew it, we were straight-up boning. My journey, luckily, wasn’t all for naught, though. I’ve made peace with the fact that I’ll probably never give a handjob to completion because I’m no longer in middle school, which is a good thing. I have, however, applied what I learned to blowjobs and gave Steve “the best head of his life” using them. So did I finally get a grip on handjobs? No, not exactly. But all’s well that ends well, and I’d consider mad props on my BJ skills a pretty happy ending.
