Have you ever worried about your relationship and wondered if it’s heading toward a dead bedroom? My partner obsesses over the r/deadbedrooms subreddit. Hundreds of stories from couples about their lack of intimacy and sex. I’m not a therapist or sexpert…just your average peri-menopausal heterosexual woman. I have, however, had enough relationships to experience the pain of diminished libido, passionless sex, and a dead bedroom. Two decades later, I’m more knowledgeable about sustaining sexual excitement in a healthy relationship. So, follow my tips, get out the paddles and resuscitate your dead bedroom.

Fight Inertia.

How many people collapse on the sofa after an exhausting day, turn on Netflix, and don’t move until bedtime? No guilt trip here. Undeniably, I count myself among the masses. Inertia is deadly for a vibrant sex life. Hop up, shower, and put on your sexiest outfit, including your highest heels. Encourage your partner to follow your lead. Dance together, play games, or get dirty.

I love throwing things. So I like to kickstart a playful mood with an indoor snowball fight–it’s flirty, silly, and a little competitive. Plus, it gets you down on your hands and knees, giggling, with your heart racing. When the action really starts, change up your positions and locations from the norm. Make out on the floor and roll around. Straddle your partner on the stairs. Mix it up with unexpected thrills. 

Communication is Essential.

As well-versed as I consider myself to be about sex, I didn’t properly communicate my desires, dislikes, and boundaries. I would put up with things (Looking at you, finger-banging!) because I didn’t want to upset my partner. So, apparently, I have a tiny, impossible-to-find clit, and he’d be wandering around down there, hoping that he was hitting the mark. Now, I grab his hair and give him directions, like that feels good, to the right, down a bit lower. Be aware of unspoken signals too. For example, stiff legs and highly syncopated breathing mean orgasm is imminent

Equally important, reservations about certain topics might be holding you back too. Certainly, it’s refreshing to open up to your partner and know they won’t be shocked or judgmental. Some men may really want to explore ass-play but feel reserved or ashamed. The stigma surrounding ass-play is evaporating now, thankfully. Talk about rimming, fingering, pegging, and prostate play. Strap-on harnesses are exhilarating and turn the tables on traditional sex. Don’t be afraid to talk about your unrequited kinks, new porn you discover, or things you’d like to consider trying. 

Show Up. Be Present.

Set your phone to Do Not Disturb. Turn off the tv. At the same time, tune into your partner. Notice how sexy they look in the ambient light, how their muscles tense and flex. Feel their body against yours. Is their skin smooth? Do they have goosebumps? Take in their scent…do they wear any fragrances? Or just smell naturally warm? Lick their neck and earlobes. Are they salty? Freshly showered and slightly damp? Listen to their breathing and notice if they sigh when you graze your fingers across a sensitive spot. Focusing deliberately, emphatically, and directly on your partner will show how much you care and that nothing else matters at that moment. They will feel so appreciated and more receptive to your advances when you are attuned to their pleasure and needs. 

Get in Character.

Certainly sounds simple enough. One night though, I dressed up in a leather bodysuit with a lace face mask and massive high heels, whip in hand, to surprise my partner. The transformation was incredibly heady and powerful, even more so because of the dichotomy from wife to dominatrix. I bent him over an Esse Chaise and flogged him red. We were both insanely horny after it was over.

Craft a fully formed character, like method acting. Role play can be surprisingly super seductive, like being a groupie to his rockstar, a naughty maid, or a domme. Practice your voice and your phrasing. Will you speak with a whisper or a sharp tone? Plan out the scene. Be patient and draw the process out to build up excitement and anticipation. 

Initiate.

So, this is frequently my partner’s sole complaint…that I don’t initiate. Perhaps my submissive nature, coupled with a generational slant, makes me feel like I must be pursued, never the pursuer. Either way, taking the initiative and taking charge can make your partner feel seen, heard, and DESIRED. It’s so sexy to turn those tables and surprise them suddenly. Be prepared mentally to lavish that time and attention on your partner. 

Experiment All The Time.

I’d love to eventually try an electroshock wand or a good pussy pump (yet to find one I like). New toys are hitting the market constantly. The newest clitoral-sucking stimulators are undeniably phenomenal. For that reason, I seriously can’t hype them enough. While I love my Magic Wand, its powerful vibrations can burn out my clit really fast. Sometimes you want something more specific and subtle. That’s where toys like the Namii Biird hit the spot. I also love having my hands free with a couples massager like the Lovense Lush 3 which stays in place inside me while we fuck, and has a clitoral vibrator. And it has an app! For guys that want to give their partner more girth and depth, I highly recommend a cock sheath like the Oxballs Muscle Cock Sheath. The sheath is encased with ridges that massage your cock while you fuck. 

Set the Stage.

Your environment will inspire you. Do you know what our bedroom looks like when we say “Alexa, it’s sexy time”? Purple, fuchsia, and blue lights kick on. Sexy music starts playing. We have a spanking bench, a Black Label Esse Chaise, a sex swing, drawers full of toys, and a rack with floggers, crops, and blindfolds. Everything, in essence, invites you to touch and enjoy…lush rugs, velvety bedding, silky sheets. Don your favorite lingerie ensemble. I’m talking about corsets, garters, bras, panties, stockings, teddies, platform stiletto heels…the works. Or for fellas, package-enhancing briefs, banana hammocks, or jeans with nothing underneath. Give your partner the honor of a strip tease. Place a large mirror where you can both watch the action. There’s a good reason that sexy couples have mirrored ceilings–it’s really, really HOT. 

Stay Wild.

Above all, adventure is vital. Surely, even if you love, love, love chocolate cake, if that were all you ate every day, never with any ice cream, cherry glaze, or whip cream, you’d tire of it. Novelty and variety keep it spicy. Push your boundaries and build trust with your partner. Explore the world of kink. Learn Shibari. Install a stripper pole and give it a twirl. Transform your bedroom into a sex dungeon with a sex swing or a Wedge. Have sex outside on a road trip. Visit a sex club, even if it’s just to be a voyeur. Be inquisitive, open-minded, and adventurous. Seek inspiration and see what fans your flames to set that dead bedroom on fire. Before you know it, you’ll be burning down the house with passion.

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