When you hear “kinky,” the image in your head is probably nothing like the next reader’s. For some, it could be as simple as a silk scarf tied around your wrists; for others, it’s whips and chains in a dark dungeon and some guy referred to as ‘The Gimp’—and that’s the beauty of it! The definition of kink is so broad that most people can find something they would enjoy that is a little south of expected. So embrace your kinky!


Woman with scarf around hands


Kink isn’t something you have to conceal in a dark corner of your soul. All it means is there’s a specific something that turns you on, from hair-pulling to popping balloons (yep, that’s a thing!). It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and chances are your partner has a kink of their own that they haven’t even shared with you yet.




Exploring kinks can be one of the most exciting types of intimacy, but if you’re new to the idea, you may be wondering where to start. What if your partner doesn’t like it? What if you’re not sure what you like? Kink is really personal, and no two experiences are alike—but a few basics can take your sex life from vanilla to wildberry in no time.


Learn What Turns You On

For some of us, kinks are as much a part of sex as the orgasm. But if your sex life falls more on the missionary side, it might seem like a foreign language. There’s no bad time to start branching out, but first you have to figure out what you like, and that’s the fun part.


If you’re not sure what you might be into, do a little homework. Websites and forums can be a helpful venue for asking questions, sharing thoughts, and learning about others’ experiences. Maybe you remember something from a book, or a scene in a movie stuck with you, and lo and behold, now you’re curious. I remember my fascination watching Stepmom as a teenager, when Julia Roberts refused to tell Jena Malone what “snowblowing” was. Once I looked it up, I knew why—and I knew I wanted to try it.


Even if you already know what you like, researching can give you the tips and tricks you need to put it into practice. Some kinks call for safety precautions, like breath play (commonly known by its fancy scientific name, erotic asphyxiation), so it’s also important to be aware of any risks.


Learn What Turns Your Partner On

Kinks aren’t one-size-fits-all. There’s always a chance that as much as you fantasize about nibbling on her toes, in reality the thought totally grosses her out. Don’t worry if all your kinks don’t match up—not everyone is into everything. The goal is to find common ground, and the only way to do that is through communication (and of course, experimentation).


Like you, your partner might not know whether something will be a turn-on until they try it. Sometimes just seeing the way a certain kink makes him react can take you both to a crazy new level in the bedroom. You may discover by happy accident that he likes when you bite his neck, and after his reaction, suddenly you’re into it too.


But not all kinks happen by accident, which is why it’s so important to...

 

Ask!

We’re not necessarily suggesting a casual “Hey, have you ever thought about corset piercings?” over dinner—unless your kink is the element of surprise! A good time to broach the topic is when you’re both focused each other without a host of distractions. If kink is something new to you or your relationship, it’s an important conversation to have in the right time and place. If there’s something you really want to try, say so! You might want to stockpile a couple of back-up ideas and compromises in case your first one gets shot down, but chances are, there’s at least one or two things you’d both be up for trying.


Woman with corset piercings

Kinks tend to demand varying levels of trust and vulnerability, so it’s vital for you and your partner to feel comfortable and safe with each other. If you want to try something a little out-there, the best time might not be three seconds from a climax. (Talk about distractions...) A better time might be the beginning of a session, when you’re both starting to heat things up but aren’t so far gone that you can’t form multi-syllabic words.

 

If you’re embarrassed to ask, don’t worry, you’re not the first. But being open about it lets your partner know how and why it’s important to you. As the old saying goes, if you never ask, the only answer is no. Just remember, getting a “yes” doesn’t mean you stop asking. It’s important to read your partner the whole time, checking in from time to time to make sure you’re both still on board.


Where to Start

Baby steps are a good rule of thumb for kink (quite literally, if age play is your thing). If you want to try out some restraints, start with a simple scarf or tie that you can wiggle out of if you’re uncomfortable, like our luxurious Silk Sashes. Or if gender play is your thing, start with a discreet and comfortable harness. If you have a fantasy, the right outfit can go a long way.


Woman dressed in man's suit


The best thing about kinks is that they’re relatively endless: there’s always a new angle you can try, a different approach, a higher level. Starting small will give you both the confidence to take it further. A glass of wine doesn’t hurt, either.


Trial and error is the name of the game. You could go for something you thought would be crazy hot, and suddenly you’re both laughing hysterically. Luckily, the opposite is just as true. There’s nothing sexier than uncovering a mutual kink neither of you knew existed, or that you weren’t sure you’d like. Be safe, be open, and be honest. The fun will follow.