I have spent thousands of hours teaching men. Mostly they come to me because they want to be better lovers. They want to be harder, longer, and they want peak sexual experiences with their partners. The men I work with are concerned with performance. Many of them have anxiety when it comes to pleasure, both their own and their partner's. Almost all of them think that they ejaculate prematurely. Some of them time their performances. Some of them just want to be able to have intercourse for longer than 5 minutes. Some of them last for 30 minutes or more but still believe something is wrong because they aren't at choice when it comes to that "point of no return". I truly agree with Esther Perel. All this worry about lasting, but it's all perspective. What it really comes down to is the ability to choose. The good news is that, yes, men CAN be at choice, it just takes some re-learning, some practice, and definitely some powerful intent.
Here are some guidelines for mastering your ejaculation:
1) Know the Facts - Ejaculation and orgasm are two separate things, controlled by two different parts of your nervous system. It is completely possible to have an orgasm without an ejaculation and an ejaculation without an orgasm. Your pelvis has two important nerves that are also connected to different parts of your nervous system. One of these nerves is more about excitement and stimulation. The other is all about relaxation. This explains why some men need to be more relaxed in order to be in control of ejaculation and other men need tension, yet others need a combination of both. It's important to know that separating orgasm and ejaculation is entirely possible. Just like women, men can have multiple orgasms, and just like men, women can ejaculate. We all have the equipment to make it happen.
2) Look at Your Thoughts - What do you think about sex? What do you think about sex with someone you love and respect? What did your parents teach you about sex? Sometimes how we feel or think about our sexuality can play a role in "involuntary ejaculation". Are you in charge of your desire? Or does shame keep you from acting on your impulses? Often when men can take charge of their sexuality, they can also take charge of their ejaculation.
3) Know Your Body - Do you breathe deeply when you are making love? Where do you hold tension in your body? What happens in your pelvis when you are just about to ejaculate? Most of my students have never thought about these questions. When we start exploring and get them into their bodies many discoveries are made. "If I'm not stimulated visually, I can't feel anything in my genitals!" exclaimed one of my students as he discovered that his ejaculation and level of hardness were connected to what turned him on through his eyes. "I hold my breath the closer I get to orgasm!" exclaimed another student when he realized that the higher his arousal got the more tension entered his body. If you know your body's patterns you can play with changing them, ultimately controlling if you ejaculate at all.
4) Masturbation Is a Training Ground - The way you make love to yourself informs you of the way that you make love with a partner. If you self-pleasure in the same way all the time, you are creating a pattern in your body. If you ejaculate quickly and without intent you are setting yourself up for "involuntary ejaculation". But the good news is that you can use masturbation as a way to create a change. I actually recommend learning to be a master by yourself, before practicing with a partner. Next time you are self-loving, mix it up a bit. Use both hands, use one hand on other places on your body, breathe deeply, use a variety of strokes, play with staying very relaxed, make sound, try sex toys, such as cock rings, vibrators, butt plugs, or prostate stimulators.
The best thing about all of this is that it helps you to discover more about yourself as a sexual being. Men report not only being able to control their ejaculatory response, but they feel more pleasure in their bodies overall. "I started to notice more of everything around me: colors, her smell, even the feeling of my own hands on my body." said one of my students in my Ultimate Lover training program. Most important, give yourself permission to play and practice. For some men it takes time, for others it's an instant. Be easy on yourself and enjoy the process. You can do it, it's just a matter of intent!