Dear Jaiya,

I heard you on the "Tiffany Granath Show".  I have never been able to give my wife an orgasm through oral stimulation, although I have begun to get close. I have used the Ian Kerner book, and it seems to be helping. It is my fondest wish to help her orgasm that way, but I am always careful to make sure not to pressure her.  How can I help my wife have orgasms from oral sex?


My other question is that we are a bit older (I'm 47, she's 43) and now after sex she is a bit sore. I am very careful not to thrust too hard so I don't think it's me. She says it's a function of not lubricating as much as she did when she was younger. I know you espouse natural remedies and wondered whether there was a natural remedy for this--especially foods I could simply include in our diets.


Thank you for your consideration.



Dear JJ,

Thanks for writing.  I'm going to tackle your second question first.  As you may know from listening to me on the radio, I am really into lubrication these days.  After having my baby and breastfeeding, I found myself unable to lubricate, so I started to research everything I could on the topic.  Have you tried using lubes?  There are a variety of different kinds out there.  I highly recommend natural lubricants such as Aloe Cadabra, which is 95% organic and leaves the vaginal skin softer and healthier than before.  I do recommend that you experiment with different types of lubricants to see what works best.


Here are some guidelines for different types you may want to try:


  • Aloe:  all natural, edible, leaves the skin soft, doesn't mess with the pH of her vagina, and is compatible with all types of toys, condoms, and other safe sex barriers.
  • Sea Carrageenan (Irish Moss):  all natural, edible, compatible with all types of toys, condoms, and other barriers.  You can even make it at home, and it does need reapplication as it can dry out quickly.
  • Silicone:  best as far as glide, best as far as long-lasting, but make sure to get a medical grade silicone and pay attention to other ingredients that may be harmful to your wife's body. Not compatible with Silicone toys.
  • Water-based:  read your labels, stay away from glycerin, dyes and chemicals; doesn't stay wet unless you add water or saliva.
  • Oil-based coconut oil is my favorite, but stay away from vegetable oils as they can go rancid; great for massage, but don't use with latex condoms.

It seems like your wife might be peri-menopausal, which means that hormones may be playing a role in her change in natural lubrication.  Here are some natural things that might help her lubricate:


  • Water:  make sure she's drinking plenty of water as dehydration can cause a woman to lubricate less.  Juicy fruits can also help to keep her hydrated; try melons or pineapples.
  • Acupuncture:  receiving regular acupuncture treatments has been shown to help peri-menopausal women to regulate their hormones and decrease their stress levels, both of which may be a factor in vaginal dryness.
  • Diet:  Dr. Carolyn Braddock has a list of foods that can cause dryness, such as having too much caffeine, alcohol, msg, aspartame (ingredient in diet sodas), and white rice.  She suggests eating more berries, especially blueberries and vegetables.  She also recommends supplementing with calcium and getting adequate sleep and exercise.
  • Awaken her senses:   slow sex down and use all of her senses to awaken her arousal.  Speaking of arousal, it might be good for you to learn more about female arousal and ways that you might touch her now that her body is changing.
  • Genital massage techniques:  there are certain techniques you can try to see if it gets her lubricating more.  Massaging the bottom of her vagina may help her to lubricate more naturally.  Try a come-hither motion with your index finger, like you would do on her G-spot, only you are massaging the wall between her vagina and anus.  For more on techniques like this check out my DVD "Red Hot Touch:  Genital Massage for Women".
  • Keeping your own mouth wet:  nothing is worse than a sandpaper tongue on your genitals.  If you are giving her oral, make sure that you build up plenty of saliva.  Try running your tongue over your teeth in circles for a number of times; this helps you get more saliva in your own mouth.