Most people have the overwhelming majority of their sexual encounters in their bedroom, but having a different space for sex can help you to live out your fantasies—to find that break from reality that can get you in the headspace for intimacy and abandon.
Of course, the extra space required and expense of creating a dedicated playspace is a luxury not everyone can afford. Luckily, it is not necessary to totally redo your environment to have amazing experiences that can take you away. The important thing is to create a sensual environment to help get you in the mood for pleasure, and that can be done with a few simple pieces in your existing space. Here are some ideas to get you started on your own sexy space—be creative and adapt these ideas to suit your own tastes.
1. Lighting has a big impact on mood. Drape a red silk scarf over a lamp to create softer, more alluring light the color of passion. Installing dimmers will enable you to vary the ambiance of your space to go from day to play. Candles are great too to give your lover that warm glow.
2. If you don’t have children in the house, you may feel more comfortable about hanging erotic prints or posters on the walls and decorating the room with sensuality in mind. There are many photographers working today that sell prints of their erotic photography and nudes. One of our favorite spots is www.obsessionart.com.
3. Since most love is made on a bed, make sure your mattress is as comfortable as possible. Be warned, however, that memory foam mattresses can impair your lovemaking by sinking too deep. Adding a Liberator Shape for support will help prevent what we like to call 'Sinking Bed Syndrome'.
4. High quality sheets are expensive but worth the investment if you can afford them. Not only do they feel better, they reduce the risk of getting friction burns. Silk is an obvious choice, but consider also leather sheets or PVC sheets for a surprising and luxurious feel against naked skin.
5. Be sure toys, lube, safer sex supplies, and contraceptives are within reach. This can be as simple as a keeping a Tallulah Toy Bag or plastic bin under the bed. We find that using different lubes changes the experience in subtle ways, so keep an assortment on hand and within reach. If you like to keep you lube even closer, use discreet decorative dispenser bottles instead of the original containers and keep it right on the bedside table. For an even closer experience, try keeping your toys and lube in a Stashe Pillow; the moisture-proof liner means you don't have to worry about spillage, and the sleek design means you can keep your bedroom accessories on the bed at all times and no one will be the wiser.
6. Buy a massage table. We often tell people that this is the ideal wedding gift. Giving and receiving sensual massage is great both as foreplay and as a stand-alone form of sexual exploration. Massage tables are also great for having genital intercourse; being able to adjust the height creates a variety of options, and most tables are sturdy enough to support the weight of two people.
7. Mirrors are a great way add eye candy to your interactions. You get a new perspective on your movements and it gives you a chance to see your love from a new angle. Plus, in from-behind positions you can see your lovers enjoyment on his or her face.
8. If you have children, make sure you have a lock on the door. The act of locking the door can help you transition from being in family mode to focusing on each other. Once kids are five or six years old, they can begin to learn about boundaries and privacy, that a bedroom—both yours and theirs—is a personal space. They can learn that a closed door means you shouldn’t be disturbed except in a real emergency. One couple we interviewed, the parents of two young children, said putting a lock on the bedroom door was the most erotic thing they did when their children were young.
9. If you still have a landline, don’t keep a telephone in the bedroom, and leave your cell phones outside too. If you feel you must have a phone of any kind by the bed, be sure to turn the ringer off before getting started. There’s nothing like a ringing phone to kill the mood.
10. If you enjoy watching porn or enjoy having background music as an erotic enhancer, you may want to keep a television, computer, or iPod in your play space, but try to dedicate these devices to enhancing your erotic experience and refrain from using them for other purposes.
In addition to making sure that the physical environment is sexy and conducive to having erotic encounters, it’s important to create an emotional environment that supports you sexually as well. If you’re using the bedroom as your erotic space, it should be a refuge, a place of rest and relaxation and a place where you have intimate interactions and tender conversations, where you enjoy each other.
For this reason, it’s very important to avoid arguing there. There is some research that supports the old saying that you should never go to bed angry. To take this idea one step further, don’t argue in the bedroom. Find another place. While this requires presence of mind and self-restraint, and can be difficult if you have children, it’s wise to keep the physical space where you sleep and make love as free from negative mental associations as you can.
Got your own ideas? Share them in comments! We'd love to hear the creative ways you defined your sexual space.
Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson are award-winning experts on intimate relationships offer the definitive advice on achieving and maintaining incredible sex and deep connections for a lifetime.
A graduate of NYU and Yale, Mark A. Michaels writes for scholarly and legal publications and his plays have been produced off-Broadway. He took his first tantra class in 1997 and gave his first lecture on the subject two years later. Patricia Johnson spent many years as a professional operatic soprano. In 1999, a longstanding interest in tantra inspired her to attend a lecture by Mark Michaels, now her husband and collaborator. Since then, she and Michaels have taught and lectured throughout the world. They live in New York City.
Authors Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson, have devoted their lives to studying and teaching the art of creating intimacy and to showing couples how to maintain and sustain exciting relationships. “Partners in Passion” themselves, they are critically acclaimed collaborators as well as respected and highly sought after teachers, who have traveled the world sharing their insights, knowledge, and secrets – helping thousands of people to create enduring and sexually satisfying relationships.
So many of us believe that new is better, hotter, and more intense, but love at first sight isn't really love; it's chemistry. Developing the connections and intimacy that everyone craves takes time and skill. Michaels and Johnson provide readers with a fun, step-by-step, phase-by-phase guide to help them discover true, deep, loving, and romantically sexual relationships that will last for decades.
Comprehensive and inclusive, Partners in Passion is highly original and provocative, drawing on a variety of sources: cutting-edge science, psychology, the authors' background in Tantra, and their personal experiences as teachers and as a couple. It focuses on sex as fundamentally relational and suggests that becoming skilled at connecting is far more important than technique. It questions received wisdom about what constitutes a good relationship – for example that getting one's needs met is paramount and that monogamy is natural and optimal. Partners in Passion proposes an alternative model founded on mutuality, a collaborative mindset, empathy, and transparency. This approach invites couples to design their own relationships and to choose consciously. It is replete with how-to suggestions and exercises, fortified by interviews with couples from diverse backgrounds, relationship styles, and orientations who are enjoying erotically vibrant partnerships. It includes an extensive resource guide that covers everything from health to erotica to alternative relationship styles, with links to many of today’s leading sexuality and relationship educators.
With insight and clarity, Michaels and Johnson explore:
- A radically original perspective on what it means to be in a pair-bonded relationship
- Why communication is important but talking is overrated
- Why unconscious monogamy can be damaging and why monogamy of any kind is not necessarily the cornerstone of a healthy relationship
- How to balance the need for intimacy with the need for personal freedom
- How sexual adventuring can strengthen your bond
- How to deal with discrepancies, distractions, and disruptions
- How to maintain a vibrant erotic connection throughout your lives