Dear Jaiya,

 

Is there a way to increase sexual desire towards my husband, and if so, how?  I'm dealing with the realization that the initial attraction to my husband was not very strong when we married, and now it is wreaking havoc in our marriage as this knowledge has come out.

 

Thanks.

 

-A


Dear A,

 

Female sexual desire is so finicky. I feel for you; not desiring your partner sexually can be very, very challenging, especially if it wasn't there in the beginning.

 

I like to think of attraction on seven different levels. Read each of these levels and find the areas where you are attracted to your husband.

  • Level 1- Security:  Your partner provides you with a sense of safety and security. He may put a roof over your head or protect you from harm.
  • Level 2- Sexual:  This is raw sexual energy. It's lusty and full of passion for our ideal lover. It is also creative; it's the drive to create together.
  • Level 3- Self:  You are attracted to how you are with your partner, you feel like you can be yourself. You may even feel powerful around your partner when you have a strong sense of self like this.
  • Level 4- Love:  You have a strong intimate bond. You love your husband, you share life together.
  • Level 5- Communication:  You are attracted to the way you and your partner can communicate with one another. You love having conversations and talking about your day together.
  • Level 6- Intellectual:  You are attracted to your partner's brains. You find your partner intellectually stimulating. They are smart and witty and you love that about them.
  • Level 7- Spiritual:  The two of you have a connection that cannot be explained. It feels otherworldly, like you've just always known each other. You share a deep spiritual bond.

 

I work with many couples who are attracted to each other on a few of these levels, but very few who connect on every level. I'm not saying that you have to connect on all levels, but it definitely does help. Look at these seven and find where you are attracted to your husband. Start there.

 

Now, let's specifically talk about sexual attraction and the five senses. Where are you not attracted to him? Is it how he looks? How he smells? How his body feels? Where are you attracted to him? Do you love how his skin tastes? Or how his arms feel around you? Make a list of each sense. Under each sense write something that you are attracted to.

 

Now ask yourself, what kind of a lover is your husband to you? Do you like how he touches you? What can he do to be more attractive to you?

 

How would you rate your emotional intimacy? There is a big myth that more emotional intimacy means more attraction to each other. Actually, it's counter-intuitive, but some mystery and obstacles can really turn up the attraction heat. Perhaps it's time for you to get a little bit of space, some breathing room, so that you can feel the draw towards one another.

 

I hope that this helps. Please keep in touch. To everyone reading this, help "A" out:  what do you do to boost your attraction to your partner?