Anyone who has read any of these posts, knows we are really, really interested in all things sexual. But it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to figure out that before you apply any enhanced sexual savoir faire, you’ve got to get into the bedroom.


There’s an old truism that goes “Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.” Call me a sexist if you like, but trite sayings carry kernels of truth. More often than not in the mating game, men are the hunters, women are the game.


You can call it seduction, mood enhancement or simply salesmanship. In the interest of promoting connubiality, we offer the following 5 M to F romance tips, all of which have been endorsed by our in house LLL (Luscious Liberator Lady Advisory Board.


1. Food is love: I don’t mean a bowl of chili and a six pack. Dinner out is OK, but we’re not shooting for OK. Dinner in is special. Dinner in can be sexy if you bring it up a notch. Invite her over for a personally prepared meal. This shows you care about her, and are willing to spend some time before. You don’t need a Cordon Bleu certificate, but you do need to do some planning. A salad and spaghetti on a red checked tablecloth has irresistible charm. First find out what she likes, and more importantly, what she doesn’t like. Avoid heavy, high fat foods and keep the portions modest or you’ll both want to take a siesta when you’re done. Next, set the stage. You know, flowers, candles, wine. Change venues for dessert, like barefoot on the floor in front of the fireplace or maybe bonbons in a bubble bath.


2. Gift like a pro: When I bought Aunt Franny’s mandatory birthday present, the sales clerk asked if I wanted it wrapped as a gift. “Uh, can you wrap it as an obligation?” I asked. When you give flowers or candy on Valentine’s Day, they fulfill an obligation. No pain and no gain. But when you give flowers “because it’s Monday” and have them delivered to her office, you light a fire that keeps on burning. All the other women will be jealous as hell, and she’ll love it.

 

3. Dreams can be sexy: Go to a movie and see some hot stars, you rate a C+. Take her outside on a summer’s night, lie on a blanket and watch the meteors shower. Before you go, invest a half hour learning what you’re going to be looking at. (Disclaimer: This doesn’t work if your honey is an astrophysicist.) No one can stare at the heavens and not become inspired, and inspiration is a seductive feeling.


4. Real men wear pink: Confidence is a turn-on. Be careful not to cross the line to arrogance. Confidence is a relaxed self assurance. Arrogance is when it’s broadcast at 50,000 watts. Are you comfortable in a pink sweater? Redford was in “The Great Gatsby” and I bet he’s scored more than you. Do you need a Hummer to compensate for certain other shortcomings? A confident man can politely and quietly return a bottle of wine. The arrogant man complains loudly.


5. Share her interests and you may share her sheets: I know it’s not your first choice, but go shopping for clothes with her. If she loves shoes (what woman doesn’t?), get down on your knees and slip one on her foot. Great chance to apply a soft squeeze to her calf. If you’re taking a drive in the country, stop to browse at an antique store. If you can forget about making time, you could end up making time. These little side steps help you learn more about her, and let her see there’s more to you than basketball and sweat socks.


Congratulations, guys. By sticking with these tips to the very end, you’ve shown your caring and romantic nature. Now let’s get back to Earth, go to Hooters and get drunk.